Autistic Without Knowing: The College Years

Life when I was at college in 1980s, with no support for autism and ADHD

I went through mainstream school and college in the 70s and 80s without knowing I was autistic — which means I had no support of any kind.

In this post, I want to focus on 1984 - 1986, when I was 16-18 years old. (Here in the UK, those are the college years, immediately after leaving high school.)

At the end, I list some of the music I remember from those years.

Further Education

Although my parents were not especially well-off from a financial point of view, it didn’t matter to me. They didn’t own a car, but we still managed to have a one-week holiday every year, which was almost always self-catering. When I was younger, days out tended to involve parks and packed lunches. 

My high school maths teacher strongly encouraged me to do A-levels and a university degree. But I told my family that I wanted to do something more practical and a little less academic.  

One reason was that I didn’t want to be a financial burden on my parents for any longer than necessary, so I wanted to get a job as soon as possible after college. Also, the idea of going to university seemed daunting.

Back then, the only college with an electronics course happened to be located in a different town — and the idea of getting away from the people I’d gone to school with seemed very appealing. 

Given that my school years had been difficult, stressful and upsetting on many occasions, it felt like an opportunity to make a fresh start.

Some of my college work, and my old train timetable. Photo taken by the author.

Train Journey

Travelling by train every day was one of my favourite parts of going to college. I’d leave the house at 7:30am, walk for 20 minutes to the railway station, then walk another 10 minutes to college. I seemed to be the only one who was doing that — presumably everyone else from my high school went to local colleges, or started on some kind of apprenticeship.

The peace and quiet, the isolation, the anonymity. It was a great way to start each day. I remember one morning when there was a 6” blanket of fresh snow. The sun was rising, and for a moment there were no cars in sight. It was silent, almost like a scene from a movie. 

That experience sent a shiver down my spine — and it still does when I remember it today. It’s a morning that I’ll never forget.

Anyway, I’d better get back to the beginning…

First Day

The main thing I remember about my first day at college was lunchtime. I’d taken sandwiches with me, and I went along to the ‘refectory’ as they called it. (I’d never heard that word before in my life.)

As soon as I opened the door, I was overwhelmed by huge crowds and deafening noise. I looked around the room, and could not see a single free spot where I could sit. So I turned around and walked out. My stomach was churning, and I wasn’t sure what to do. (At school I’d always gone home for lunch, so I had no experience of such places.)

After wandering around for a little while, I ended up sitting on a bench in the park across the road. It was so peaceful — the complete opposite of the college. After eating, I strolled around for a while, and watched people feeding the ducks, before wandering back to college. I felt relieved to have found a kind of ‘secret sanctuary’.

Recognising People

A day or so after starting, we were told to go to a certain room the following morning. I wasn’t sure I’d understood the verbal instructions correctly, and decided to wait in reception until I saw someone else from my course, so I could follow them.

The only problem was that I was struggling to remember the face of anyone from my course! Luckily, I managed to recognise one boy, whose name was Graham. He had very short hair and a skin condition that made him look almost angry and aggressive. When he arrived, I was nervous about approaching him, but I felt like I had little choice.

(We ended up sitting together for most of the lessons throughout the entire course — and it all began because he had been the easiest one for me to recognise!)

Eating Problems

Once October arrived, my daily routine of eating sandwiches alone in the park became less appealing. The warm sunny weather was fading, and fewer people were using the park, so I started to feel a bit self-conscious. It got to the point where I felt embarrassed, and would hide my sandwiches whenever anyone walked past.

On one particular day, a strange man approached me, and asked what I was doing there. That was the last day I ever ate in the park — it didn’t feel safe anymore.

The only other places that I could think of eating were at the railway station in the morning, or on the train. For some reason, it felt like I was doing something wrong, and that I should conceal what I was doing. That meant I would only eat if there was nobody else around.

Some days, I would not manage to eat at all, and would come home feeling very hungry, having had nothing since breakfast time. I would hide my uneaten sandwiches in my bedside cabinet at home, and either eat them in the evening, or dispose of them discreetly. (Occasionally I would forget, and they would end up mouldy a few days later!)

The other boys on my course — there were no girls — started to wonder where I went at lunchtime. Typically, I would just wander the streets, or look at technical magazines in the local newsagents or college library.

One day, they decided to follow me. The college had three staircases, and several floors, so it became a bit of a game. I shook them off my trail by rushing to one of the staircases, then going along the corridors to use a different staircase to reach one of the exits. (Years later, I had recurring dreams about being chased like that.)

As I got to know Graham a bit more, we spent one lunchtime together, and I accompanied him to a bakery. I’d hoped to learn what other people did, so I was somewhat surprised when all he bought was a jam doughnut. I didn’t buy anything, because it was very busy and I didn’t have any experience of such places, so I would not have known what to ask for. The noise also made me feel uneasy, because I struggle to hear what people say in such environments.

Unfair Treatment

Being from a different town with different rules, I did not qualify for a grant, which meant my parents had to pay for all the materials. I remember being told off by a lecturer for not having graph paper. He shouted at me ‘that’s what your grant money is for!’

On another occasion, we visited a local museum. A lecturer asked me a question about local history, and being from a different town and county, I didn’t know the answer. Unfortunately, my excuse seemed to fall on deaf ears.

Other Students

Most of the students were locals, and many of them knew one another.

There was another boy who often told people he was gay. He knew Graham, and would often hang around with us. Our little group seemed to consist of all the people who didn’t fit in.

I had a small article published in an electronics magazine, and another student came across the article by chance. He spent all his time trying to make it look like it was not my own work, by finding elements of the circuit I’d designed in various textbooks, which seemed rather like accusing an author of copying words from a dictionary. I did not cope well with all that confrontation.

Cleanliness and Self-Consciousness

During my teenage years, for some reason, I went through a phase of not washing my hair as often as I should have done. It was very greasy, which makes me cringe when I think back. I didn’t used to like having it cut either, which meant that my fringe covered my eyes. 

I remember one day feeling quite hurt when Graham, who was the closest thing I had to a friend, mocked my habit of using my fingertips to move my hair out of my eyes.

Having older parents who were relatively poor, and a house with a bath instead of a shower, meant that I wasn’t as fashionable or as clean as I could have been. I never wore deodorant, because my dad hadn’t. (It was only a few years later when I saw such things in a work colleague’s bedroom that I realised…)

I still remember the embarrassment when someone commented on the fact that my jeans had light-coloured lines across them, near the bottom. They used to be turned up because they were too long, so when my mum let them down, they looked terrible. After that comment, I started using a blue ballpoint pen to try to disguise the lines, every time that they’d been washed. It wasn’t entirely successful.

I had a train pass, for which my parents had to fight hard to get funding. The ID photo was not very flattering, and I remember the ticket inspector at the station laughing at it a few times. 

My Walk

At high school, one of the girls had drawn attention to the way I walked, which was in quite a ‘bouncy’ fashion. So I was already quite self-conscious about that, and would look at myself in shop windows as I passed, to check what I looked like. I thought I’d got it right, but I was in for a nasty shock…

One day, I was standing outside a classroom, waiting to go in, when one of my classmates asked if he could borrow my large heavy sports bag. I was puzzled, but allowed him to take the bag. I was horrified when he walked up and down the corridor with my bag in front of everyone, making fun of the way I walked. Apparently, I kept my head level and the bag close to the ground, which made me look robot-like. It seemed almost like the opposite of the problem I’d had at high school; perhaps I’d gone too far in trying to walk without any bounce…

From that moment on, I carried the bag over my shoulder, rather than by my side. I would frequently switch sides, in an attempt to divert attention and look more natural. I also tried to avoid arriving and leaving at the same time as any of the others on my course.

The Cool Kids

That wasn’t the only occasion when the ‘cool kids’ were horrible to me. I was once trying to look confident when asking a technician for some parts. I leaned on a door frame, but my shoulder slipped and I nearly fell over. One of the students who saw it would retell that story every few days. Week after week after week.

(He seemed to come from a well-off family, and was always boasting about his expensive hi-fi.)

On another occasion, we were all waiting in a busy corridor, before the start of a lesson. There was a group of girls on the other side (from another course). One of my classmates said that they were laughing at me. For once, I managed to think up a smart comeback, and said that they couldn’t even see me, because his trousers were like curtains! (They were very wide and baggy, which seemed to be fashionable at the time.) It seemed to have the desired effect of making him a little more wary of insulting me in future.

His father was a retired police officer, and he used his dad’s new car to come to college. Despite boasting about passing his advanced driving test, he drove dangerously and would screech to a halt at random times, so he could stop and shout at people on the pavement.

Earlier in the course, he seemed friendlier, and had given me a number of programs for my computer. So it was hurtful to be treated that way.

Ultimately, nothing I saw at college made me want to spend time with the other students out-of-hours. Living in a different town made me feel like I had an excuse to say ‘no’ to the occasional social events I might have been invited to. (I used to imagine being trapped in difficult or awkward situations, or being laughed at. So I played it safe and always said no.)

PE Lessons - Not Again!

At high school, I always dreaded PE lessons. One of the teachers was abusive. He never taught me how to play any of the games, and told me off when I didn’t understand the rules. Not surprisingly, I was always the last one to be picked for team games.

Given how much I’d disliked PE in the past, I was not happy when I saw it listed on my college timetable every Wednesday! But I was quick to think of a solution.

I’d noticed that the lecturers created a register for their classes based on who turned up for the first lesson — and that gave me an idea. I simply didn’t go to the first PE lesson, which meant I never got added to that particular register! 

So every Wednesday, I’d get a later train, take a leisurely walk around the park, or call at the newsagents, before finally going in for 11am, to merge with the other students after they’d done PE.

After a while, it became clear that I’d not really got away with it, because the course tutor had a chat with the whole class about how ‘some people’ were not going to PE lessons… My stomach churned upon hearing that. But I still didn’t go!

On another occasion, the PE teacher came looking for me, as we stood outside one of the classrooms, waiting to go in. My classmates gathered around me to help hide me. To them it was a bit of fun, helping me to continue to skip PE lessons. But to me, it might have been the nicest thing they ever did for me. 

I remained undiscovered for the entire two-year course, and never went to a single PE lesson. (Perhaps the biggest problem I had was on a day when another event was held in the sports hall, and I wasn’t sure where it was, because I’d never been near it!)

Lifts from Family

During my second year of college, my older sister and her husband both started part-time courses there. 

One day every week, my sister would give me a lift to and from college. On one occasion, some of the other students saw us walking from the car park, and thought she was my girlfriend!

On a different day every week, my brother-in-law would give me a lift in, and I would get the train home. He was always late, and drove at 115mph on the motorway.

(Years later, he had the cheek to say that my driving made him nervous!)

It was nice to have an easier journey on those days, but I did miss the peace and quiet of the train. I also didn’t like waiting for them to arrive to pick me up, and would be looking out of the window for 20 minutes, waiting anxiously.

Course Attainment Prize

One of the reasons that I got away with avoiding PE was that I found the academic work fairly easy — at least the maths and electronics.

I won the course attainment prize, because I’d got the best marks out of all the classes taking that course.

It was nice to win a prize, but they wanted me to go back to college in the evening, to attend an award ceremony. I was very distressed about that, and I was so glad that my parents managed to get me out of it somehow.

Unrecognised Friendship

In the second year of college, Graham got a car, and he drove us to his house on a couple of occasions at lunchtime. Another time, he brought in a massive bag of electronic components for me.

I remember his mum driving past, seeing us walking along and chatting. Looking back, I got the sense that he hadn’t really had many friends, and that she was pleased that things seemed to be improving in that respect.

Final Weeks

During the time when the final exams were taking place, I didn’t have to go in as often, or for as long. I remember waiting onboard empty trains at various off-peak times of day. Sometimes it would be an hour or more before they were due to leave, but I didn’t mind at all. I felt safe and isolated, and enjoyed the solitude. Other times, I would sit in the waiting room and listen to music, read electronics magazines, or play with my digital calculator-watch.

As I started to realise that my college years were coming to an end, I felt sad. Believing that I might miss the journey more than anything else, I started trying to remember all the landmarks I saw. From time to time, I would take the paper notice off the train door, which listed what stations it was travelling to — it was as though I wanted some souvenirs! 

I passed my driving test at the age of 17, during my final year of college.

Although I got a car, I didn’t use it for travelling to college right away, for fear of being harassed by the other students.

Eventually, for the final few weeks, I would park near the railway station and walk the rest of the journey — as though I was still travelling by train. Graham was the only one who ever saw my car. (He gave me a lift to it once or twice.)

On the last day that I ever saw him, I remember walking around the town, stopping, and saying ‘well, I suppose that’s it then.’

I think we shook hands, wished each other well, and said goodbye.

At the time, I wasn’t sure if it could have been classed as a friendship.

And I had no idea how to continue it after college.

Days later, in the summer of 1986, I started work, which marked the beginning of a new phase of my life. (I didn’t even get a summer holiday that year!)

Two Years After College

Strangely, there was a time about 2 years later when I needed a reference, when a colleague wanted us to start a computer repair business. I was put on the spot to name someone, and Graham was the only person I could think of. 

I still had his phone number, because he’d given me his business card (he had his own alarm installation business). He agreed, and did what was asked. But I never contacted him again.

I still feel bad/sad about that.

And I still have his business card, in a little tin box that I made in metalwork class at college.

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Related Articles

Autistic and ADHD Without Knowing: The Primary School Years

Autistic and ADHD Without Knowing: The High School Years

Autistic Without Knowing: The Workplace, Part 1 (The Story of How I Got My First Job)

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Appendix: Music 

I wanted to mention some of the music I remember from my college years, because hearing those tracks takes me back to that time.

5 Star — Can’t Wait Another Minute

The tense, atmospheric feel of this song seemed to match how I felt towards the end of college when I had my first car, and would park near the station and walk from there to the college. Listening to it today still gives me butterflies in my stomach.

A-Ha — Take On Me

The boy whose dad was a retired police officer used to dress like them. This was played a lot in the mid-80s.

A-Ha — The Sun Always Shines on TV

I remember asking Graham about the meaning of the song; I never really got much of an answer.

Animal Nightlife — Mr Solitaire

This track came out just before I started college, and never really got anywhere in the charts. But the feel of the song seemed to strike a chord with me, especially as I was going to college alone.

Bangles — Manic Monday

This was played on Alan Beswick’s late-night show on Red Rose Radio before it became a hit.

Lots of people at college listened to that show, possibly because immature teenage listeners used to call in and try to swear on-air before the presenter noticed. He had a 7-second delay, but sometimes he was caught off-guard. I never phoned the show though.

Phil Collins and Phillip Bailey — Easy Lover

This takes me back to a leisurely walk from the railway station to the college, on a morning when I had PE. I took a different route, and walked past some houses. One house had a window open, and I could hear this track blasting out. I love the energy and the percussion. It’s just a great pop record from the 80s.

Dire Straits — Money for Nothing

Graham seemed to like this group, and hearing it now reminds me of him.

King — Love and Pride

Classic mid-80s pop, that was stuck in my head for ages in the mid-80s.

Dee C Lee — See the Day

This reminds me of sitting alone on the train, in peace and quiet, towards the end of my time at college. There’s an air of sadness, which somehow mirrored my college years coming to an end.

Madonna — Like A Virgin

Such a great track, with an exciting feel, full of energy.

It was stuck in my head while I was walking around the park, while there was snow on the ground. I also remember watching the video on Top of the Pops.

George Michael — Careless Whisper

This was out during the summer of 84, in the weeks between high school and college.

The feelings of sadness and regret in the song seemed to mirror some of my mixed feelings about leaving school, and the uncertainly of what might be in store for me at college.

Pet Shop Boys — West End Girls

An intense and atmospheric number one, which reminds me of playing computer games at Christmas time during my college years.

Fergal Sharkey — A Good Heart

This always seemed to be on the car radio when my sister was taking me home.

Starship — We Built This City on Rock and Roll

There was a line in this song, 'Say you don’t know me', which other students cruelly repeated, because one of the lecturers looked rather like a garden gnome. And 'know me' sounded a bit like 'gnome-y'.

Sting — If You Love Somebody Set Them Free

My brother in law bought this on cassette from a petrol station, and said, 'It’s good quality!', as soon as he started playing it, because of the percussion sounds near the start of the track. (He was right, but it also made me think that he was quite superficial in the way he judged audio quality.)

Betty Wright — Where Is The Love

I was in the waiting room at the railway station, with my cheap personal cassette player (a walkman clone). This track was on a show I’d taped off the radio, where they play charts from previous years. This particular track was from the 70s, and the soulful vocals, rhythm guitar and brass just blew me away. It took my mind to another place; there’s a certain part of the track that still sends a shiver down my spine.

Other Memorable Songs

Alphaville — Big in Japan

Laura Brannigan — Self Control

Eurythmics — There Must Be An Angel (Playing With My Heart)

Van Halen — Why Can’t This Be Love

Dan Hartman — I Can Dream About You

Whitney Houston — Saving All My Love For You

Chaka Khan — I Feel for You

Miami Sound Machine — Dr Beat

Tears for Fears — Everybody Wants to Rule the World

U2 — Pride in the Name of Love