Silently Off the Rails
My life is a mess, but few people realise
 |
| Photo by Claudio Schwarz on Unsplash |
I mask my anxiety so well, that my relatives think everything is fine.
I smile. I talk. I do all the basic everyday tasks.
From the outside, everything looks quite relaxed. But in reality, I’m finding things quite hard.This article is more like an entry in my journal. I’m not sure where I was going with it, or if I ever got there.
But here goes…
* * * * *
I Became A Stay-At-Home Dad
When I lost my wife, I had to carry on as best I could — I had no other choice. My children were 7 and 8 years old, and I wanted to be there for them as much as possible.A combination of factors meant I had enough money to survive. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I was lucky — losing my wife has been the worst experience of my life so far.
But having a small pension, and Widowed Parent’s Allowance, meant that the life assurance money would last a lot longer — so I could get by as a stay-at-home dad.
* * * * *
Offers of Work
The Old Team
About 12 months after my wife died, I was contacted by the people I used to work with. My old employer had gone bust, and most of my old team had moved to a new place.However, something didn’t feel quite right about it. My old boss was the first one to contact me. But his superiors took over, and didn’t even tell him they’d invited me for an interview.
The interview went quite well, but they wouldn’t allow me to work from home— even though I did that successfully during my wife’s illness. To deal with my childcare responsibilities, they suggested part-time hours.
Unfortunately, the travel costs and limited hours meant there wasn’t a great financial incentive. And school holidays would have been impossible, with the almost non-existent childcare support I had from other people.
I asked them if I could work additional hours from home. But they suddenly turned me down, saying they wanted someone there full-time instead! That made no sense, because they were happy to offer part-time hours just days before…
That sudden change, along with the way they treated my old boss, seemed to confirm my feeling that there was something odd about the way it was being run.
Looking back, there’s a part of me that regrets not taking the chance. But it’s too late now.
The MD’s New Place
On another occasion, the MD from my previous employer, who had gone to a different company, asked me if I’d be interested in doing some work for his new employer.They were willing to let me work from home, but wanted me to go in every so often. Unfortunately, it would have taken four hours to drive there!
Even worse, they wanted someone from head office to spend a couple of days at my house, to ‘get me up to speed’ as they called it.
Almost immediately, I started worrying about practical arrangements. I’ve never liked having strangers here — it’s rather dilapidated.
Would I have to pick them up from the station or take them to a hotel? Would I be expected to work late?
I couldn’t imagine having someone I didn’t know sitting right next to me all day, in the smallest room of my house. And possibly having to provide them with food and drink. (This was around the time I first suspected I was autistic.)
So I declined their offer as well.
* * * * *
Doing My Own Thing
After turning down those offers of work, I decided to try my hand at app development. I’ve covered some of this before, when I wrote Could My Future Be On Medium?
For a time, it felt like it was going well. And when people asked me what I did, they seemed more satisfied with ‘app development’ than ‘stay-at-home dad’.
Here is the short story. I tried several things, but kept making changes to my goals, and to the technology I was using. So it all dragged on for years, without ever getting finished.
It’s frustrating, especially as I’ve successfully completed quite a few projects at home in the past.
One reason for the failure might be that my wife wasn’t here to discuss things and encourage me. I’m sure her input would have stopped me from making lots of changes and bad choices.
Another factor was probably ADHD. Without any awareness of how it affects me, I didn’t know I needed to stop myself from ‘going down rabbit holes’ and getting distracted.
* * * * *
Today: Writing on Medium
(And here on Blogspot.)
At the moment, I’m trying to write articles on Medium (which I also republish here). Other people appear to be making money on the platform, but I’m not sure how far I will manage to get.
I often hear that you need to write one article per day, but that seems too much for me at the moment. So I’m aiming for at least two each week.
* * * * *
Final Thoughts
Family members say what a good job I’ve done to bring up two children on my own, and that I should be proud of them, which I am of course.They think I’m doing fine. But they have no idea about how anxious I am about my own future; I have no idea what I’ll be doing in a couple of years.
The obvious answer to my financial situation is to go out and get a job. But I feel burned out, and have very high levels of anxiety.
Because I used to work full-time, there is little understanding as to why things are different for me now. And there is no support.
* * * * *
Thank You
I hope you enjoyed reading this article. Please consider supporting me by:
- Visiting my ko-fi.com page ☕️😊
- Responding to this article, or sharing it online
- Reading my articles on Medium
It really helps, and means a lot to me.
* * * * *
Related Articles
Could My Future Be On Medium?Career changes, and a loss of identity
Comments
Post a Comment