What Not to Say, When Someone Is Widowed Young

And some suggestions on what to say instead

A bunch of flowers, lay on their side. In the background is a window.
Photo by Suhyeon Choi on Unsplash

When my wife died in 2013, it was truly devastating. She was only 45 years old. I was left on my own, with two young children to bring up.

Although people often mean well, they sometimes say the most thoughtless things.

In this article, I begin with some of the things I heard, along with my thoughts when I heard them.

Later, I give some suggestions for things that might be more tactful and helpful, to someone who is newly widowed.

* * * * *

1. "You're young, you'll find someone else."

My old boss's wife actually said this to me at the funeral! (He had died five years earlier, so perhaps she felt it was too late for her to remarry, unlike me.)

My thoughts:

I don't want someone else. I want the person who I'd planned to spend the rest of my life with. My soulmate. The one with all the shared dreams and memories.
Nobody can replace her.

2. "It was meant to be."

My thoughts:

What is that supposed to mean?
Are you saying that my children were always destined to have no mother, and that I should just accept it, as though it's nothing major?

3. "She had a good run."

My thoughts:

I thought we would grow old together, retire, and maybe have grandchildren.
But our children didn't even get to the end of primary school with both their parents.
A fraction of a normal lifespan is not a good run!

4. "I know how you feel. My grandmother died last year."

My thoughts:

I know you loved your grandmother deeply. But she was 93 years old.

Having lost both of my parents, as well as other relatives, I know how heartbreaking it is to lose loved ones.

But losing a life partner, especially when it's decades short of normal life expectancy, is different. They were at the centre of my world. And I expected them to be there for my whole life.

(I've even heard people compare it to losing a pet. Again, I know how much people care for their pets, but it's a very different situation.)

5. "You have to be strong for your children."

My thoughts:

Right now, I don't feel like being strong.

It's natural for me to feel devastated.

I can't pretend that their mum's death was no big deal to me.

6. "You're better off living on your own. You can choose what you do, and what to watch on TV."

About a week after my wife died, my cousin said this to me. She had lived alone for many years, after getting a divorce.

My thoughts:

I didn't choose this. But you chose to live alone.

I don't cope well on my own.

You still had your ex-husband to share the responsibility, when you were bringing up your child. I now have sole responsibility, and virtually no support.

7. "Have You Moved on Yet?"

My thoughts:

Moved on? It's only been 3 months!

Nobody could ever replace her.

Do you really think I should be looking for someone new already?

It's not the same as finding a new job, or a new house.

8. "I Couldn't Do What You're Doing - I Couldn't Have Coped."

One of the mums at my children's school said this to me, several weeks after my wife had died. I think she was trying to say that I was doing well by "keeping going and being strong".

My thoughts:

What would "not coping" actually look like? And what other options are available to me? With almost nobody around to help, I have to keep feeding my children, and taking them to school.

* * * * *

Now that you’ve read all that, I hope you don’t think that I’m too bitter and twisted!


Some Ideas for What To Say


Everyone is different of course, and their needs will vary over time. But here are my thoughts on supporting them.
  1. If you don’t know what to say, tell them you don’t know what to say. It’s better than avoiding them.
  2. Let them know you care, and that you cared about the deceased person.
  3. Offer to help, and mean it. That could be anything from running errands, to looking after their children for a few hours.
  4. Be a good listener. Meet up for coffee. Let them talk.
  5. Don’t worry about silence. Being there, and spending time with them, can be enough.
  6. If they want to be alone for a while, don’t be offended. And don’t use that as an excuse never to contact them again.
  7. Even though it will often be upsetting, don’t avoid talking about the deceased person. It’s important that they are not forgotten.
  8. Sometimes it’s good to talk about other things. Being widowed doesn’t have to be the only topic of conversation.
* * * * *

Thank You

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The author first published this article on Medium. It was added here on 2 January 2022.

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