Living Apart Together Relationships: 6 Advantages and Disadvantages

After several years of living separately from my parner, here are some of my thoughts

Two separate but similar-looking houses side by side.
Photo by Taneli Lahtinen on Unsplash

Not everyone has heard of a Living Apart Together (LAT) relationship. I think of it rather like being married, but where each person lives independently in their own home.

The couple may live close to each other, or a considerable distance away — the distance doesn’t matter very much. Typically, one of them will spend a certain number of nights every month staying over at the other one’s house.

(It’s not to be confused with other situations, such as when partners live apart during the week for work reasons, but still have their main home together.)

I’ve been in a LAT relationship for several years now. The way I feel about it varies. There are times when it seems to work quite well, and there are times when I wish things were different.

Ultimately, it wouldn’t have been my preferred choice, but until our children are older, it appears to be the only option at the moment.

Although it might have been wise to do some research, I went for an off-the-cuff approach in the following sections. In general, the advantages are mostly logical, whereas the disadvantages tend to be mostly emotional.

* * * * *

Advantages

1. You appreciate the times when you’re together

People tend to notice what they don’t have, more than what they do have.

So with all the time you spend apart, you’re more likely to appreciate the time you spend together.

2. You feel more independent

Running your own home without anyone else’s help can boost your self-confidence.

No matter what happens to your relationship, you still have a place to live.

3. More time alone lets you pursue your own interests

If you both have very different interests, living apart might help avoid resentment.

It’s easier to watch different TV shows, or pursue other interests, if your partner is across town instead of in the next room.

4. Less disruption for your children

If you both have children from previous relationships, there is no guarantee that they’ll all get along.

In an ideal world, having all the children spend more time together might help to blend your two families. But if that doesn’t work out, living in separate houses might be a lot less stressful.

Also, by staying put, you won’t have to consider moving your children to a different school.

5. Separate finances means fewer disagreements

If one of you is a big spender, and the other one is a saver, you might end up arguing about money if you were living together.

It’s much easier to keep your finances separate if you live independently.

6. You get to make all the decisions about your home

If one of you wants purple walls, and the other one likes green, having separate houses means you don’t have to compromise.

Disadvantages

1. Other people don’t take your relationship seriously

You might say, ‘I don’t care what other people think.’ But it can be hard to ignore the way your relationship is viewed by others.

Friends and family will keep asking when you’re moving in together. Or when you’re getting married.

You’ll probably get a few Christmas cards with only your name on them, which might make you feel like they don’t think you’re in a ‘proper relationship’.

It’s a similar story when it comes to invitations — certain family members might only invite one of you to their events.

2. You’re often on your own at night

On the occasions when you’re only spending time together during the day, it can be very hard to say goodbye, knowing you’ll both be alone at night.

It can also feel very lonely to wake up in the middle of the night, and realise that you’re on your own, because it’s not one of the nights you spend together.

(Of course, if you don’t have children, it’s usually easier to stay over more often.)

There are other disadvantages to being alone at night, but I’ll leave them to your imagination…

3. You aren’t making a home together

The excitement of working on your home together as a couple is simply not there.

It can feel like a waste of time to make improvements, if you might eventually move into a different house together. This can lead to the feeling that your life is on hold.

4. Some barriers might remain

Even if one of you stays over at the other one’s house regularly, they might still feel like a guest, rather than feeling ‘at home’.

It might not be possible to break down all the barriers in your relationship, unless you are sharing a home together.

5. The law treats you as though you are strangers

I’m based in England, and I’m not sure about other countries. Also, I’m not a lawyer. But LAT relationships are not officially recognised here — you’re effectively classed as two single people.

This can be upsetting, or simply feel unfair.

It’s always a good idea to make a will, but even more so in this case. Without a will, if one person were to die, the other one would have no rights when their estate is being dealt with.

6. At some point, one of you might no longer feel the same way about living apart

As time goes by, you or your partner may get used to being independent. If the other one starts yearning for a more conventional relationship, this could lead to conflict between you. What started out as something that suited you both, might begin to look like a lack of commitment from one of you.

If the amount of time you spend apart increases, one of you might start to feel that the other one prefers being with other people, which can lead to jealousy. Given how long the working day can be, it’s possible that you might both spend more time with colleagues than you do with each other.

* * * * *

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