An Autistic ADHD Adult Does Two Very Different Car Journeys

One was a bit tiring; the other was exhausting

Photo taken by the author.

I’m supposed to be writing about my high school years, but that’s proving to be a massive task.

So I thought I’d take a moment to write about something else — something which has wiped me out this week, and caused further delays to everything I’m supposed to be doing.

Friday

It all began when I got a phone call from my father-in-law last Friday, asking if I could take him to a hospital appointment. He usually drives everywhere himself, but on this occasion, they’d told him not to drive home afterwards.

He told me, ‘It’s only 20 minutes away. I’ve been a few times.’

He went on to describe how to get there, forgetting that I was the one who printed out directions for him a few months ago, because he doesn’t use sat-nav.

Having spent decades masking, I automatically agreed to take him, despite feeling very uneasy about driving to an unfamiliar city, especially with someone who’s known to be a difficult passenger.

Even though I had a few days to prepare, I looked at the directions on Google Maps as soon as I put the phone down. I also used Street View to take a look at complex junctions and car parking facilities.

Despite my father-in-law insisting that it only takes 20 minutes to get there, Google Maps said 45 minutes…

Saturday: Day trip to Llandudno, Wales

It felt like more pressure was being added, when my fiancée asked me to drive her to Llandudno last Saturday, as part of her birthday celebrations. Her daughter and one of my sons came too.

Fortunately, that journey was reasonably familiar, and I was much more relaxed around the people who were in the car. Even though it was somewhat tiring, I always enjoy visiting Llandudno.

Monday Morning

Apart from the trip on Saturday, which acted as a distraction, the appointment had been on my mind for much of the weekend.

On Monday morning, I couldn't settle on doing very much of anything, despite the hospital appointment only requiring me to leave home around 2:45pm.

I distracted myself by doing some routine checks on my car. Unfortunately, I noticed a slight wheezing sound coming from the coolant reservoir under the bonnet, which started me worrying about the car overheating and breaking down.

Given that the fluid levels all seemed correct, and that there were no obvious leaks, it seemed unlikely that the car would let me down. But I did put some large bottles of water in the boot, just in case.

After lunch, I looked once again at the directions, trying to decide between two routes. Later, with about an hour left to wait, I just couldn’t stop myself from pacing about. I also went to the bathroom a number of times.

The Pick-up

I ended up setting off to pick up my father-in-law a little earlier than planned — leaving the house and getting going made me feel better, because I’m so bad at waiting around.

When I arrived, I talked to my in-laws about how long the journey might take. I said we’d probably be back around 6pm, whereas they both thought it would be more like 4:45pm!

They didn’t seem to consider that his appointment would probably run late, and that we’d be driving in rush-hour traffic.

Once in the car, I used Google Maps as a sat nav. As expected, as soon as we set off, my father-in-law disagreed about how we should get to the motorway.

Shortcuts

My father-in-law has a number of preferred local ‘shortcuts’, and while they are often quicker at certain times, they were not quicker at 2:50pm. With fairly light traffic, I opted for the sat nav’s simple, direct route.

He grumbled, but when I pointed out that we would arrive 30 minutes before his appointment, he agreed that the route was reasonable.

The purpose of his hospital visit was to have an injection near the bottom of his spine, to reduce pain caused by arthritis. For that reason, I drove more slowly and gently than I normally would — only to have him complain when we didn’t quite get through some traffic lights, because we had to stop!

I was masking for the entire time I was with him, and hiding my anxiety well. It was quite intense, to follow an unfamiliar route, whilst having conversations about all kinds of things — and fending off criticism about the route and speed.

It felt a bit like being back at work, and dealing with colleagues — something which I’ve not experienced for about nine years. This time, it felt much more draining.

Maybe I’m out of practice. Maybe this kind of thing is getting harder as I get older. Or maybe I’ve just forgotten exactly how bad it used to be in the past.

When we were a few minutes away from the hospital, I ended up in the wrong lane at a fairly small roundabout. I wanted to go straight on, but would end up turning right if I didn’t move across.

Luckily, I managed to change to the correct lane, and go straight on. Moments later, when it was too late, my father-in-law told me that he usually turns right there… (The route we actually took was better though, because it avoided heavy local traffic, caused by school pick-ups.)

Coffee Break

Once we arrived, my father-in-law suggested that we have a drink in a nearby cafe, which had outdoor seating. It served as a much-needed break, even though it wasn’t exactly restful, because our conversations didn’t stop.

After twenty minutes, we headed into the hospital. At the reception desk, I stood back, but remained close enough to hear what the staff were staying.

For a moment, it sounded like they had no record of the appointment. He sometimes gets muddled up about such things, but thankfully it was correct, and they sent him through.

One of the staff members asked if they could help me. I pointed towards my father-in-law and explained that we were together. But even though they were polite, I got the feeling that they thought I was a bit weird.

(I’d probably looked somewhat vacant, as I stood there, listening to what was being said, whilst also trying to recover from the car journey.)

I spent about 45 minutes on my own, in the main waiting room. Most of the time, I glanced at a few magazines I’d taken, and looked at Twitter. Eventually, my father-in-law returned, and said he had to wait fifteen minutes before leaving.

Return Journey

We left shortly after 5pm. I’d planned to use the same route for the journey back, but when I was about to turn left out of the site, my father-in-law said that he normally turned right instead. So I followed his advice.

After we’d been going for a few minutes, he said we’d have to turn left soon. The sat nav agreed, so I took the left turn.

As soon as I’d taken the left, he said I’d turned too early, even though I’d followed the sat nav correctly! It seemed that it had found a quicker route, to get around the rush-hour traffic.

Unhappy Passenger

Upon realising that we were no longer using his usual route, my father-in-law started swearing! He’s not got a very clear voice, and it took me a while to realise!

I lost count of how many times he used the F word, which was quite a surprise, because I’ve hardly heard him swear in all the years I’ve known him. It made me wonder what his language is like, on days when he takes my children out…

Having dealt with rude people from time to time over the years, I didn’t let it affect me. I was already anxious about the whole trip, so his outbursts had a negligible additional effect on how I was already feeling!

I continued to drive, behaving as though he’d not said anything.

Unfortunately, the road had several speed-bumps — not ideal for someone in discomfort. So I went extremely slowly over each one; luckily, he’d brought a cushion!

I’m sure that if we’d turned left instead of right when leaving the hospital, we’d have avoided the bumpy road. (Having said that, there were so many potholes, it might not have made much difference!)

After several minutes of him swearing, we met up with the main road, which was very busy. When he realised we’d cut out a couple of miles of nose-to-tail traffic, he stopped swearing.

The next part of the journey back was a short stretch of motorway, and thankfully it was quite uneventful. But once we got back to our hometown, the traffic was very busy.

Shortcuts Again

My father-in-law suggested one of his shortcuts, to avoid the busy traffic, even though the sat nav told me to carry on. When I ignored his advice, he started swearing again.

After a few minutes, we could see that an accident had caused the delay. Once we got past the scene, the roads were empty — so the route we took did turn out to be the quickest. He said, ‘If it wasn’t for that accident, my route would have been quicker. This route is only clear because of the accident.’

Eventually, around 5:50pm, I dropped him off at home.

Closing Thoughts

I remember my late wife saying that her dad was not a good passenger. She once told him that if he didn’t shut up, she’d stop the car and he could walk the rest of the way!

After my experience, more than ever, I really can see what she meant.

During the days that followed, my mind kept going back to snippets of our conversations, and parts of the journey. I felt drained, and couldn’t do anything useful. It took me at least a couple of days to feel like I was starting to recover!

In contrast, the trip to Llandudno didn’t really have any significant negative after-effects. It seems that who I travel with, and the nature of the journey, can make a massive difference. (Of course, there might also have been a cumulative effect, from having two trips close together.)

Despite how taxing it was, and the fact that I would’ve found it difficult to refuse, I’m glad that I was able to help my late wife’s dad. However, I hope I don’t have to do it very often.

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