Could I Have ADHD?
The time when I realised it’s more than autism alone
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| Image created by the author. |
I have also read about ADHD on Twitter and elsewhere.
It seems to me that ADHD could explain some of the difficulties I experience. If it weren’t for Coronavirus, I would probably seek an assessment.
Hyperfocus is something that I have experienced. I get almost obsessed with doing one task for too long, to the exclusion of everything else. (It’s also why you don’t see me on Twitter for days or weeks — but I’m trying to become more aware of that.)
When I worked full-time doing electronics and software development, I think hyperfocus helped me to perform well in my job — I couldn’t stop thinking (and talking) about the current technical problem or task, until I’d dealt with it.
Now that I’m a stay-at-home dad, who is also trying to develop an iOS app, I often find it hard to focus on my app project. Other ADHD symptoms seem to come into play, such as being easily distracted, and having difficulty finishing tasks.
In January, my roof started leaking. So I stopped work on the app and spent weeks dealing with roofers, clearing my loft, decluttering, and selling things on eBay.
When I found a roofer who appeared to be reputable, despite knowing better, I made an impulsive choice to get them to reroof my house. (I didn’t get any other quotes, and I’m regretting it now, due to their shoddy work.)
When there is a major problem like with the roof, it seems easier to focus, because high-priority tasks become obvious.
Why did I stop working on my app? To make good progress on complex projects, it takes time and effort to get into the right state of mind. I have to feel that I will not be interrupted, otherwise I won’t even try. It feels rather like I’m trying to take my mind to a higher state — and the slightest thing can make me fall back down.
In this case, the interruptions were often simple things, like having to post items that I’d sold on eBay, or talking to the roofers.
Another distraction resulted from my son being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes in November, then later with coeliac disease.
On days with medical appointments, I really struggle to do anything productive. It seems to take me much longer than most people, to organise myself and prepare for appointments. So it has quite a big impact, both beforehand and on the day.
When I see clutter lying around, it reminds me that I’ve still not finished sorting through it all. That makes me feel distracted, and reluctant to work on my app until things are more organised — but that could take months… Whichever task I try to work on, I soon feel like I should be working on something else instead.
At the supermarket, I feel irritated by people who walk slowly or leave their trolley in the way of things that I need. At the checkout, I pack my shopping into bags like it’s a game show and I’m time-limited. It really feels like I have to rush, to the point where it makes my stomach churn. Why can’t I slow down and take a few more minutes?
There are many days when I come home with groceries, after dropping my children off near school, and really struggle to decide what to do, both in a small way and in a bigger way. I feel very stressed for no apparent reason.
Even simple things get me worked up, like being unable to decide whether to hang up my coat or put the shopping away first. My mind bounces around from task to task, unable to select which one to do first.
I think about working on my app, then realise there is laundry to do, or the breakfast dishes to deal with. I have multiple notepads with lists I’ve made, in an attempt to get organised. I wonder why I never seem to find time for things I used to enjoy, such as making music or tinkering with electronics.
Many widowed people manage to work, as well as looking after their children. But I feel exhausted just doing the basics, taking care of my children and the house, as well as trying — occasionally — to work on my app.
When I worked for someone else, the management were responsible for deciding what projects people should work on, as well as the major decision-making. That meant I didn’t need to worry about such things.
The stress that I experienced as an employee seemed to focus my thoughts and force me to prioritise — but that’s not a good way to live in the long term.
At work, I was good at organising my days, and finishing projects on time. I also organised my time efficiently when doing a degree with the Open University in the 1990s, whilst holding down a full-time job. There were times when I was almost at breaking point. But I suspect that the stress helped me to make decisions and think more clearly.
My current situation is very different — nobody cares what I work on, or even if I finish my app at all. So it tends to get a very low priority.
Whenever anyone needs my help, I will drop everything to be there for them (national lockdown permitting of course). I seem better at working out what other people should do, than I am at dealing with my own situation.
I worry about what I will do, once my children are old enough to be more independent. After 9 years away from the workplace, I feel out of date in terms of technology. I honestly don’t think I could handle the stress of working in an office anymore. But at 52 years old, I don’t know what else I could do.
The fear of having to go back to a full-time job where I might be out of my depth should motivate me to complete my app. But the nagging feeling that I’m working on ‘the wrong app’ makes me doubt whether I would be successful. By continuing, am I just trying to satisfy some compulsion to complete it? Should I abandon it, now that it’s 75% finished?
Part of me longs for a simpler life — a complete change.
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