Welcome to my Autistic Mind

I’m really finding it hard to focus and make decisions

Just lately, I seem to be finding it harder than ever to make the right decisions. So I thought it might be worth illustrating what I mean, by describing a small selection of my recent difficulties.

I’ve chosen a few different subject areas, which have all caused considerable stress and circular thinking.

There may be elements connected with a range of things, such as autism, executive dysfunction, OCD, ADHD, depression and grief.

 

Image drawn and photographed by the author.

The Roof Box

My garage is cluttered. One item in there is a roof box which hasn’t been used for two years. 

In August, I decided to sell it. Then the key broke in the lock as I was preparing it and taking photos! So I put it away again and left it. 

One month later, I was feeling overwhelmed by clutter once again, so I decided to take action: I would sell it on eBay, with the broken lock.

Then I realised that part of one of the accessories I wanted to sell separately must still be inside the box. So I bought some tools on eBay for under £4, and removed the broken key in less than ten seconds! (Why did I not do that in August?)

With the key problem solved, I took yet more photos of the roof box, roof bars and accessories, and put a scheduled listing on eBay. 

I felt quite pleased to have made some progress at last. 

But then I thought about the car. 

Up until 2018, six of us used to go on holiday together every year, so the roof box was essential. But from 2019, there have only been five, so the roof box has not been used — hence the desire to sell it. 

However, the car is old, large and relatively expensive to run. If it were to be replaced with a smaller one in a couple of years, the roof box might be needed once again. 

So perhaps I should keep it after all. 

But then again, one of my children is likely to want to stay at home and not come on holiday with us by then. So it might be just four of us — and that would mean there would be no need for the roof box after all! 

In the end, I cancelled the eBay listing, and felt frustrated for having wasted all that time taking photos. 

The Garden Wall

About 20 years ago, we had a new garden wall built, along with brick pillars at the end of the driveway. I wasn’t happy with the fact that the builders didn’t seem to dig down far enough — the wall seemed to begin slightly above the pavement, and they’d used sand and cement mortar to cover the gap at the bottom. But I learned to ignore it. 

Recently, a couple of bricks fell off one of the pillars. 

A similar thing had happened in the back garden a few years ago. In that case, I replaced the bricks, and did a reasonable job. 

Despite having some ability to do such jobs, it’s a different story when it comes to working at the front. The thought of people watching me work affects my confidence. And if it was less than 100% perfect, I’d hate seeing it every time I go out or return home. I would also imagine neighbours discussing any flaws with what I’d done. 

So I got a builder to quote for replacing the bricks on top of the pillars at the front. He quoted a very reasonable price, and I gave the go-ahead to start in a few weeks. I also mentioned that the wall itself is crumbling and will need rebuilding at some point, but didn’t discuss that further. 

A few days later, I looked more closely at the wall, and decided that it was really only the top bricks that were crumbling, and that it would be silly to have the pillars looking good, right next to a crumbling wall. 

So I asked about having the bricks on top of the wall replaced as well. That added quite a bit to the price. 

Then I thought about the fact that I’d be spending all that money, to preserve a wall that I dislike, because of the bottom being a mess, where it has that gap covered in mortar (which has now mostly fallen out). 

The only way to fix it properly would be to rebuild the wall. But the pillars would also need rebuilding to match in that case, making it quite costly. And for what? A garden wall — when I still have a bathroom and kitchen that have never been touched since the 1970s, a very old car, and countless other things demanding attention! 

That left me struggling to decide whether to prolong the life of a shoddily-built wall that I would love to replace. Or save the money for other much-needed jobs. 

I also wondered if it was a bad decision to repair the pillars, given that they might need rebuilding if I had the wall replaced in the future… 

When my mind gets into that state, I find it so hard to decide. It all keeps going round and round in my head, and I don’t seem to get anywhere. 

The Soil Pipe

I have an old cast iron soil pipe at the side of the house. It does not leak, but whatever material was used to seal the joints is crumbling and falling out. It’s also rusting. 

The last time it was painted was 25 years ago. If only I hadn’t neglected it… 

When a man came to look at the drains recently, he suggested I could deal with the pipe myself, using ‘chemical metal’ to fill it. But that sounded like a bodge to me. 

I spent a lot of time considering fixing it myself, but then I thought about how I don’t like heights. Even though the top joint is not very high, I would end up wanting to paint it all the way to the top, so it would still require working up high. 

Eventually, I went online and contacted three handymen. One didn’t reply. Another said he’s too busy. The third said he has never worked with cast iron pipes. 

Having failed with the handymen, I decided I should at least do what I can with the pipe. Given that I was still undecided about what to use to fill the joints, I posted asking for advice in an online forum. There were a number of differing opinions on there. In the end, I bought some materials and some paint, and was planning to start work the following day. 

Then another reply appeared on the forum, warning that the existing material might be asbestos cement, which would be dangerous. 

So I did not go ahead. 

Instead, I felt stressed and anxious all day, especially with the weather being warm and sunny. It felt like I was wasting my last chance to fix it before winter. 

At some point, I searched online for asbestos testing, but wasn’t sure whether to proceed with it. 

In the end, I decided to try once more to get someone else in to do the job. I posted a request for quotes, under the plumbing section of a website. 

After getting no responses, I deleted it and posted again under handyman services. Unfortunately, there was no response to that either. 

So there’s yet another task that has stalled. 

The School Books

I’ve kept almost all of my high school and college material. Perhaps I thought that my children would find it interesting to look at one day. Perhaps I thought that it helped define me as a person, and showed some of my early personality and achievements. 

Earlier this year, with a desire to declutter my garage, I came up with the idea of using my phone camera to scan all my school books. It took a while, but I got through them in the end. 

Then I found more! So I scanned them too. 

I became obsessive about the images, adjusting the colours so that the graph paper was the correct shade of green, and rescanning pages that had folded corners etc. 

Then I wondered if I was happy with the overall quality — despite the fact that I might never look at any of the material again. I considered getting a better phone or camera, but the thought of rescanning everything was not appealing. In the end, I think I convinced myself that the quality was at least ‘satisfactory’. 

The scanning process meant that I got to see every single page of every single book. It was surprising how many memories came back — I found a number of things that I’d totally forgotten. There were also a few notes written by my late parents. It was all very emotional. 

I also found a binder with my English Literature course material, which had scores in the A- to B- range. I felt angry that my test result in that subject was ‘U’ (ungraded) — how could that be right? And why did my parents not question it? 

Now that all the books are scanned, I can’t decide what to do. 

I could keep one or two. 

Or make a scrapbook of my favourite pages — which is nearly impossible! 

Or keep one of each subject — but which year? 

Or maybe just keep one book. 

Or simply get rid of the whole lot — I have the digital copies after all! And especially as my children are not really interested. 

At times, I have wondered whether my fears over the Coronavirus situation are prompting me to reduce my personal clutter. As though I need to make it easier for others, in case the worst happens. 

Then I think about all the other things that are lying around, such as DVDs and old textbooks, and I ask why should I get rid of personal things like school books, only to keep other things which are never used, and could always be purchased again if required? 

Perhaps I’d better not mention that I’ve found some ring binders, containing my college notes… 

Closing Remarks

You now have a taste of how mixed up my mind can feel. 

Years ago, things seemed easier. Talking to my wife helped a lot, as did talking to work colleagues. 

When there is nobody to listen, the only alternative seems to be writing things down. But that’s not always easy to do, especially during the worst moments.

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